Comedian Jokes Eric Morecambe Stand Up Jokes “My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden. Then my eyes went bad. That’s why I became a referee” “Life isn’t Hollywood. Life is Cricklewood” “I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas, but is she grateful? No, she says she’d rather have it in a cup” “Sometimes it worries me. I feel something’s got to give. I know what Harry Secombe meant when he said he’s worried that one day the phone will ring and a mystic voice will say, ‘Thank you, Mr Secombe. Now can we have it all back? This was meant to be a karate move that incapacitated the victim. Often followed by “You can’t, can you?
The 60 funniest one-liners from the 2017 Edinburgh Fringe
Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items. Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags.
Absolutely hilarious one liners! The largest collection of the best one line jokes in the world. All rated by visitors and sorted from the best. See TOP 10 witty one-liners.
Reassess Your Computer Interactions It’s time to reassess your relationship with your computer when You wake up at 4 o’clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop at the computer to check your email on the way back to bed. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access. When you hand-write a note and think You can’t correspond with your mother because she doesn’t have a computer. When your computer’s email box shows ‘no new messages’ and you feel really depressed. You don’t know the gender of your three closest friends because they have non-descript screen name and you never bothered to ask. Your family always knows where you are.
In real life conversations, you don’t laugh, you just say ‘LOL, LOL’ If your computer’s internet connection goes down, you cannot settle to any other tasks. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend! Jason Griffith, 23, of Scranton, Pennsylvania, was arrested on charges including reckless endangerment, terrorist threats and harassment.
25 of the Very Best Medical Pick-up Lines
Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, ‘Ma’am you had twins! Your brother from Cork came in and named them. What’s the boy’s name? Political correctness had developed a momentum all it own. My greater concern is bullying, I am against all forms of bullying both at work and in school.
I heard there was a sweep stake on the length of the best mans speech. I just went for 35 minutes — so settle in……. No seriously this speech will be a bit like Clive short and not very funny….. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech. That was a messy one! Well, I do hope that Howard and Mary enjoy their honeymoon in Wales. I am actually a little nervous doing this, but I feel a bit comforted by the fact I have actually rehearsed this speech in front of a live audience at the local old peoples home, … I think it went well,they all peed themselves anyway.
Now this is very slow progress.
When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice Q: What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks! What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Well, maybe except really funny short jokes. Reading some good jokes can kick your day off with a laugh and a smile, and why not do just that? To help you we have made a compilation of some of the best of the great jokes and funny one line jokes that we know – on all sorts of topics from short funny jokes to great jokes about countries to dating jokes to jokes about alcohol and much more.
To kick off the page, we present: The Jewish Samurai – In days long past, a Chinese emperor needed a new samurai to be his personal bodyguard. He sent out a message to all the lands summoning the best warriors to his court in three years time. The day of the summoning arrives, and only three warriors present themselves. The first, a Japanese Samurai, stepped forward. He opened a matchbox to release a fly into the air. With a slash of his sword, the tiny fly drops to the ground, chopped in half.
The second, a Chinese Samurai, stepped forward. He too opened a matchbox to release a mosquito into the air. With two quick chops, the mosquito dropped dead in four pieces.
One more step
I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. Rita Rudner We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. Will Rogers The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I was dating this girl once for a few weeks, and the first time she saw my penis, she said, ‘Is everything a joke with you?’.
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone.
Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next. Are you THAT particular? So I keep on looking! Did you find the perfect girl yet? My mother loved her, they became great friends.
First Date Jokes
What we have here have substantiated that jokes can be short and still be funny. However, these collection of jokes are not just funny but are the funniest set of jokes you can ever come across. The one-liner jokes will surely crack you up — you are bound to laugh as hard as you have never done before.
Funny Dating Quotes to get you in the mood for a hot dude or dudess. Laughter is the best aphrodisiac. – Susie Loucks My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners! Funny Dating Jokes. Funny Dating Tweets. Or go back from “Funny Dating Quotes” to “Cute Quotes”.
Joe Pasquale is clearly a very positive person, he speaks highly about everything. Had a row with my boss at lunchtime, one of the perks of working near a boating lake. I bought a dog from our local blacksmiths, as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door. My Grandad was a dyslexic baker in the army, he used to go in all buns glazing. I had a bottle of Omega 3 pills thrown at me the other day.
Luckily I escaped with just Super Fish Oil injuries. My girlfriend wanted sex on the bonnet of her Honda Civic, but I refused. Men have found taking Viagra eases their sunburn. Do you know why the Danish have bar-codes on the sides of their ships? Optimist drowns in bath half full. My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went out, had some drinks. Wants to be a web developer. I watched a documentary on ship building last night.